Fearing Failure.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that sometimes loses her mind with emotions. I'm going after a goal right now of losing weight and I wanted to talk a little about all the struggle and emotion that comes with it. I had a freak out Saturday morning when I got on the scale and it was 3lbs heavier than 2 days before. Now, if I had been eating pizza and ice cream I wouldn't have been so shocked but I went to the gym 5 times this week and ate 95% perfect. To me this should mean no weight gain but my body has other ideas. I feel like I am actually fighting my body right now to lose weight.

I've talked to a few people with various ranges of knowledge and they all agree that the first month of anything your body really is fighting you. So, I get that... I know it in my mind but that doesn't keep me from breaking down, crying, and feeling like a failure. I struggle with the feeling of failure. I feel like I am busting my ass and still failing. Will my body ever change? Can I really do this? Will I ever know what it is like to not have a belly? Then I cry... I scream... I dry heave... and I used to give up. But now in my old age I've realized that it's a process and I HAVE to push through. It's so hard. I think all the time... screw it I'm just going to eat what I want nothings going to change anyway but I'm at a point where That's just not acceptable anymore. I can't give up because this is my life, my health, and the only person that can make things change is me.

After a good 2 hours of feeling sorry for myself I went to the gym. I punished my body with as many workouts as I could stand and with Chad in tow I tried to run a mile straight after being able to almost do it the day before. This is the first time in my life after stopping running for awhile and starting back up that I got back into it so quick. On Friday body felt good and I felt strong; however, when I stepped on that treadmill and started running on Saturday everything just went wrong. I felt disgusting, I felt like I shouldn't be allowed in a gym, and I felt like the biggest failure ever. I had to stop running after 4 mins due to my side hurting and my legs cramping. I was just done. I emotionally couldn't take it and almost started crying right there in the gym. I was pouring down sweat but I slowed my pace and kept walking. I cranked up the incline and walked until CK finished his mile and when we walked to the car he asked me if I felt any better and I said, "No, I hate myself... I feel like a failure and I'm going to cry again as soon as we are in the car." I feel bad for him for having to put up with me when I get like that but I really realized Saturday how much he loves me. No matter what size I am or how much I feel that I am a failure he just listens and lets me cry it out. He made me feel even worse when he looked at me and told me how proud he was of me and how I inspire him to be better a better person and to work out harder. What a joke right? I'm sitting there crying my eyes out and I'm an inspiration!?

When we got home I got back on the scale and had lost 2 of the pounds I had gained... I knew this would happen due to all the sweat but it still doesn't matter in my mind because I just don't understand how my body can fluctuate like that. So, then I decided to take a shower and wash my bad attitude away. I told myself that this is a long road... I've got plenty of time and I am doing this right. I will not order pizza or eat brownies just because I am having a horrible day. I will work harder and eat better and one day... it will start paying off. Or at least I'll just keep trying until it does.

It really makes me sad to feel like my whole life I have been trying to lose weight. What a crappy thing to have to struggle with. I've never known what it's like to be in shape... to be able to go to any store and know they will have my size and it will look good on me. I want that so much it hurts. I want to be healthy. I want to live a long life and I want my future kids to grow up never having to worry with this issue because I'm going to teach them how to be healthy right from the start.

I had to share this with you guys to get it out of me. These emotions are suffocating at times and I just hope that maybe this helps someone. Realizing that just because I'm still struggling and working towards a goal doesn't mean I have failed. As my best friend Nicole said when I texted her crying about my running failure:

"You didn't fail, baby. If you got off your butt and tried then you didn't fail."
 

Everyone needs support and I am so thankful for the ones that support me. I love you all and you help me more than you'll ever know. If you're struggling...just keep going. I think it will get better... or at least I hope.






Exactly.

Pain Pills and Sarah Mclachlan

Why do weekends go so Fast and the weekdays just seem to draaaaag out?

Yes, I know Every.Single.Person. has this complaint on Sunday nights or Monday mornings but still I want to know!

This weekend was pretty fun CK had a show Friday night at a local coffee shop and it was like an apartment get together. A lot of our neighbors came out to support CK which is always nice and later that night we all ended up at a local bar called Juanita Pub. I expected this place to be a hole in the wall but we walked in to loud techno/dance music (say what?!) and it was full of young babies (18-21?) everyone looked so young (maybe because I am old now wahh) our either REALLY old and out of place but that lead to some awesome people watching! The other thing that marked my new love for this place was how cheap it was! They had $3.00 wells after 9pm and the food was super affordable and SUPER huge portion wise (it was also SUPER delicious) We got a huge trough (over 1lb!) of French Fries with cheese and bacon…totally healthy but split between 4 people it wasn’t to terrible right? PS. It was only $7.00! Cheap!

We stayed there for a hour or so and then headed home.. my back and abs were KILLING me due to a lot of working out this past week. Do you ever have those times where it just hurts to sit up and breath because your stomach is so sore and your spine feels like it is breaking in half. Yea, that was me Friday night and I just needed SLEEP. I haven’t been getting a lot of that lately and my life sucks when that happens. Saturday was filled with resting and TV watching- totally what I needed and when I woke up Sunday I was ready to do a 5k! My legs were still sore from my run on Thursday so I decided to do the 5k on the Crossramp which ended up being a Great workout and the fastest one I have done in awhile on the Ramp. (Don’t be to impressed it was a 45min 5k) I think the Treadmill might be helping me get faster...which is great! I also did a killer arm/back workout and my 2^nd day of 50 squats before getting ready to go shopping with my friend Angela. She is from Miami and a complete ball of fun! Shopping with her is defiantly one of my new favorite hobbies but there were a couple things I learned yesterday:

1.       Do NOT buy heavy things First when you will not be going back to the car until then end of the trip.

2.       Do NOT wear a big heavy coat even though it is cold Outside into the mall

I am an idiot and Bath and Body Works had those Candles I love on sale again. BBW was our 2^nd stop of the day and I managed to buy about 20lbs worth of stuff (2 big candles & 5 foam soaps) to carry for the next 3 hours. More shopping was done through a HUGE mall and more purchases were bought and of course more heavy stuff for me. We came across a hair store that was closing and everything was 50% off. This lead me to buy the biggest Paul Mitchell Shampoo and Conditioners I could find and these babies:

Hello pretty nails!

I deemed shopping my workout #2 of the day after sweating buckets in my big coat (Do not wear a big coat when on a shopping marathon because you either have to sweat as I mentioned before OR you have to carry it…adding another 3lbs to your load!) and giving my arms another killer workout with all the extra weight. I got home cooked Spaghetti and Meatballs (Have I told you lately how much I LOVE CK’s new job? Grass fed organic Beef is SERIOULSY the only way to go – delicious) almost passed out from starvation because I “forgot” to eat. WTF how do you do that? I swear I really do though and I always want to die when I realized it.

It’s like Dumb and Dumber when Lloyd goes, “HARRY! Do you REALIZE what you’ve done!?”

Then CK also bought another one of these home:

I ate two… the rest were gone this morning… I think someone has a problem. Cough*CK*Cough

Then I passed out like a baby.

My whole body was sore and hurting again so I took a pain pill, crawled in bed, and called it a night at 9pm.

I slept better last night than I have in awhile.

I suppose pure exhaustion is the trick to sleeping well…oh and pain pills.

On that note I leave you with this:

Thanks ASPCA, Thanks.

PS. We love the animals in my house... if you are looking for a place to donate money choose ASPCA or your local animal shelters! 

Remember: Animals are innocent... they can't go get jobs or protect themselves like humans can.