Fearing Failure.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that sometimes loses her mind with emotions. I'm going after a goal right now of losing weight and I wanted to talk a little about all the struggle and emotion that comes with it. I had a freak out Saturday morning when I got on the scale and it was 3lbs heavier than 2 days before. Now, if I had been eating pizza and ice cream I wouldn't have been so shocked but I went to the gym 5 times this week and ate 95% perfect. To me this should mean no weight gain but my body has other ideas. I feel like I am actually fighting my body right now to lose weight.

I've talked to a few people with various ranges of knowledge and they all agree that the first month of anything your body really is fighting you. So, I get that... I know it in my mind but that doesn't keep me from breaking down, crying, and feeling like a failure. I struggle with the feeling of failure. I feel like I am busting my ass and still failing. Will my body ever change? Can I really do this? Will I ever know what it is like to not have a belly? Then I cry... I scream... I dry heave... and I used to give up. But now in my old age I've realized that it's a process and I HAVE to push through. It's so hard. I think all the time... screw it I'm just going to eat what I want nothings going to change anyway but I'm at a point where That's just not acceptable anymore. I can't give up because this is my life, my health, and the only person that can make things change is me.

After a good 2 hours of feeling sorry for myself I went to the gym. I punished my body with as many workouts as I could stand and with Chad in tow I tried to run a mile straight after being able to almost do it the day before. This is the first time in my life after stopping running for awhile and starting back up that I got back into it so quick. On Friday body felt good and I felt strong; however, when I stepped on that treadmill and started running on Saturday everything just went wrong. I felt disgusting, I felt like I shouldn't be allowed in a gym, and I felt like the biggest failure ever. I had to stop running after 4 mins due to my side hurting and my legs cramping. I was just done. I emotionally couldn't take it and almost started crying right there in the gym. I was pouring down sweat but I slowed my pace and kept walking. I cranked up the incline and walked until CK finished his mile and when we walked to the car he asked me if I felt any better and I said, "No, I hate myself... I feel like a failure and I'm going to cry again as soon as we are in the car." I feel bad for him for having to put up with me when I get like that but I really realized Saturday how much he loves me. No matter what size I am or how much I feel that I am a failure he just listens and lets me cry it out. He made me feel even worse when he looked at me and told me how proud he was of me and how I inspire him to be better a better person and to work out harder. What a joke right? I'm sitting there crying my eyes out and I'm an inspiration!?

When we got home I got back on the scale and had lost 2 of the pounds I had gained... I knew this would happen due to all the sweat but it still doesn't matter in my mind because I just don't understand how my body can fluctuate like that. So, then I decided to take a shower and wash my bad attitude away. I told myself that this is a long road... I've got plenty of time and I am doing this right. I will not order pizza or eat brownies just because I am having a horrible day. I will work harder and eat better and one day... it will start paying off. Or at least I'll just keep trying until it does.

It really makes me sad to feel like my whole life I have been trying to lose weight. What a crappy thing to have to struggle with. I've never known what it's like to be in shape... to be able to go to any store and know they will have my size and it will look good on me. I want that so much it hurts. I want to be healthy. I want to live a long life and I want my future kids to grow up never having to worry with this issue because I'm going to teach them how to be healthy right from the start.

I had to share this with you guys to get it out of me. These emotions are suffocating at times and I just hope that maybe this helps someone. Realizing that just because I'm still struggling and working towards a goal doesn't mean I have failed. As my best friend Nicole said when I texted her crying about my running failure:

"You didn't fail, baby. If you got off your butt and tried then you didn't fail."
 

Everyone needs support and I am so thankful for the ones that support me. I love you all and you help me more than you'll ever know. If you're struggling...just keep going. I think it will get better... or at least I hope.






Exactly.