Fearing Failure.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that sometimes loses her mind with emotions. I'm going after a goal right now of losing weight and I wanted to talk a little about all the struggle and emotion that comes with it. I had a freak out Saturday morning when I got on the scale and it was 3lbs heavier than 2 days before. Now, if I had been eating pizza and ice cream I wouldn't have been so shocked but I went to the gym 5 times this week and ate 95% perfect. To me this should mean no weight gain but my body has other ideas. I feel like I am actually fighting my body right now to lose weight.

I've talked to a few people with various ranges of knowledge and they all agree that the first month of anything your body really is fighting you. So, I get that... I know it in my mind but that doesn't keep me from breaking down, crying, and feeling like a failure. I struggle with the feeling of failure. I feel like I am busting my ass and still failing. Will my body ever change? Can I really do this? Will I ever know what it is like to not have a belly? Then I cry... I scream... I dry heave... and I used to give up. But now in my old age I've realized that it's a process and I HAVE to push through. It's so hard. I think all the time... screw it I'm just going to eat what I want nothings going to change anyway but I'm at a point where That's just not acceptable anymore. I can't give up because this is my life, my health, and the only person that can make things change is me.

After a good 2 hours of feeling sorry for myself I went to the gym. I punished my body with as many workouts as I could stand and with Chad in tow I tried to run a mile straight after being able to almost do it the day before. This is the first time in my life after stopping running for awhile and starting back up that I got back into it so quick. On Friday body felt good and I felt strong; however, when I stepped on that treadmill and started running on Saturday everything just went wrong. I felt disgusting, I felt like I shouldn't be allowed in a gym, and I felt like the biggest failure ever. I had to stop running after 4 mins due to my side hurting and my legs cramping. I was just done. I emotionally couldn't take it and almost started crying right there in the gym. I was pouring down sweat but I slowed my pace and kept walking. I cranked up the incline and walked until CK finished his mile and when we walked to the car he asked me if I felt any better and I said, "No, I hate myself... I feel like a failure and I'm going to cry again as soon as we are in the car." I feel bad for him for having to put up with me when I get like that but I really realized Saturday how much he loves me. No matter what size I am or how much I feel that I am a failure he just listens and lets me cry it out. He made me feel even worse when he looked at me and told me how proud he was of me and how I inspire him to be better a better person and to work out harder. What a joke right? I'm sitting there crying my eyes out and I'm an inspiration!?

When we got home I got back on the scale and had lost 2 of the pounds I had gained... I knew this would happen due to all the sweat but it still doesn't matter in my mind because I just don't understand how my body can fluctuate like that. So, then I decided to take a shower and wash my bad attitude away. I told myself that this is a long road... I've got plenty of time and I am doing this right. I will not order pizza or eat brownies just because I am having a horrible day. I will work harder and eat better and one day... it will start paying off. Or at least I'll just keep trying until it does.

It really makes me sad to feel like my whole life I have been trying to lose weight. What a crappy thing to have to struggle with. I've never known what it's like to be in shape... to be able to go to any store and know they will have my size and it will look good on me. I want that so much it hurts. I want to be healthy. I want to live a long life and I want my future kids to grow up never having to worry with this issue because I'm going to teach them how to be healthy right from the start.

I had to share this with you guys to get it out of me. These emotions are suffocating at times and I just hope that maybe this helps someone. Realizing that just because I'm still struggling and working towards a goal doesn't mean I have failed. As my best friend Nicole said when I texted her crying about my running failure:

"You didn't fail, baby. If you got off your butt and tried then you didn't fail."
 

Everyone needs support and I am so thankful for the ones that support me. I love you all and you help me more than you'll ever know. If you're struggling...just keep going. I think it will get better... or at least I hope.






Exactly.

Work it out

I haven't talked about what I'm doing work out wise in a awhile so let me fill you guys in. About a month or so ago after doing a personal training session at our gym CK and I decided to start doing more strength training workouts and less elliptical running. The trainer made a really good point about how we should add muscle to burn more fat and basically it all made sense and we decided to do it.

Since then we have been waking up in the mornings and going to the gym before work. I figured if I go to the gym Monday-Friday that gives me weekends off and most importantly CK and I get to spend more time together. It's really hard waking up in the mornings but we have been doing it and I have to say we have both grown to absolutely love starting our days together. CK still gets all pissy when I tell him I'm going to bed at 9pm but he's getting over it. Not to mention working out with a partner is a lot better than going at it alone. (Except when he says, "that's not the finish line keep going" when I'm about to die from not being able to breath.) Anyways, long story short he has lost 13 lbs since we started and I have lost 6 lbs. (Men lose weight so easy. Bastards) I'm extremely happy with what has been going on in my body though and I'm starting to see my stomach get smaller... I mean nothing drastic yet but I can tell I'm adding muscle and it is encouraging me to keep working hard.

We have been doing really good in the food department too. I heard something simple awhile back and for some reason it just now started sticking in my head and it's actually working.
FACT: To lose weight you simply have to make more GOOD choices than BAD.
Do I want a donut? That is a BAD choice. Do I want a salad for lunch? Yes, that is a GOOD choice and so on and so fourth. I feel like I have to make 99 GOOD choices before I'm allowed one BAD choice. It's hard but I'm pretty focused and for almost a month now I have stuck to my guns and I'm not miserable.

I'm taking it day by day... I have A LOT of weight to lose and I'm focusing on going slow. My goal is to lose just 1 lb a week. If I lose more that's awesome but I get so discouraged when I set goals and don't meet them. I will overcome this. I will succeed. I will be healthy.

Here are some examples of the workouts we do: First off 5min warm up on the mill and at the end of our leg/arm workout we get on the treadmill to do a mile as fast as we can.

Leg Day: We start off with squats/wall sits/lunges - Then we push this across the gym  (a REALLY freaking long way) & back.

You put a weight on the ball side and grip it and then use that to bend over and push the ball across the floor:

It's horrible. It's amazing. I do this at 6AM. I almost die everyday but I'm ALMOST able to go back and forth without having to stop. I WILL do this without stopping by August. When I first did this with my personal trainer I had to stop about 7 times. Now I only stop once...on the second round I get so out of breath and my legs burn so much that I stop. I get closer and closer to the finish line every time... soon.

Then we do the weights. All of them. OR we switch it up and do a workout I find on Pinterest. Here is one we have done several times and it is NO JOKE. It is AMAZING and Jumping Jacks suck so bad but damn it they work.

Are you following me on Pinterest yet?

ARM DAY: I love arm day the most. We do the warm up first and then we do abs/arms/and weights.

We start off abs with a lot of planks and then go through a series of workouts on the mat. Here is an example of what we do:

We also do butt lift ones, different kinds of planks etc. etc. We have been really good about switching stuff up so that our bodies never know what is coming. After abs and arms we go to the weights and do all of them that the gym has to offer. We also recently starting going over to the free weights section of the gym and I have been partying with big boys doing bench presses, leg lifts, etc.

We also do Cardio days where we get on the Treadmill and get in as many miles as we can in 35-50 mins depending on how much time we have. For example this week we are did Legs Tuesday / Cardio Wednesday / Arms Thursday / Cardio Friday. We were exhausted on Monday so we slept in. Hey, sometimes your body needs rest...we are building up slowly to the 5 times a week.

That's the gist of what I've been up to lately. I'll post about workouts every once in awhile to keep you guys updated. I can't wait to watch my weight loss number grow!

Nebraska I loveeeeee you!

Hi, Iowa & Nebraska.

You suck for not having a Welcome sign where we could take a picture in front of it. I managed to get the above picture on our way back into Iowa after we stayed the night in S. Sioux City, NB. We came in after dark to NB so I missed that sign completely and I am totally bummed about it. (We later found out that the Hwy 29N between Kansas City, Missouri and Sioux City, Iowa had been closed for a long time due to very bad flooding from the Missouri River and had just recently been opened last week! Talk about good timing/luck for us) Driving from St. Louis to Sioux City was pretty fun though; Haley & I took lots of pictures in the car pretending that we were about to run off the road, enjoy:

Yes, that is a sombrero in the back seat

OMG

This may hurt...

During that drive we drove through NEW FLORENCE… I guess we grew up in “Old” Florence, MS but none the less we (Haley) tried to get a picture of the water tower and even though that R looks like a P we swear on our lives it said Florence.

We also stopped at NostalgiaVille USA which I thought was going to be an awesome road side attraction but ended up being a huge shop full of a bunch of shit that my Gran would have wanted.  All was not wasted though because Haley did find her some sweet new glasses:

 

Winning.

When we finally rolled into Sioux City we were all tired and HUNGRY. I swear we have barely eaten on this trip. We all are trying not to eat a bunch of junk and in turn we just keep not eating (which is terrible and giving us all headaches and bad tempers) so when we finally got to the KNIGHT’S INN (Yes, we are in the hotel business now) CK about had a heart attack when he saw what was right next door. TACO JOHNS! I have heard story after story about how Amazing Taco Johns was when it was in Laurel and how the whole city cried when it was shut down. No more Taco Tuesdays (2 tacos for .99 cents) and no more potato oles what has the world come to?! So, when CK saw that I knew what we were having for dinner and it was Taco Tuesday after all! Right after we got all of our stuff into the hotel Haley and CK happily skipped down the street and picked up 2 bags full of tacos, potato oles, and cinnamon churros. I didn’t snap any pictures due to us being so hungry that it was all immediately consumed but here’s some snap shots stolen from their website:

Tacos

Potato Oles

Churros

All Images ripped from Google

CK immediately bragged about our dinner on his Facebook and in a matter of minuets basically everyone in Laurel blew his status up with comments of jealousy. He just smiled and gobbled up all the taco goodness that he could.

The next morning I did something I have NEVER done before… I got CK and Haley up and we all went to the hotel gym! I was so excited that I basically skipped down the hall to the gym because I just have never wanted to work out while traveling before but after reading all the healthy people and running blogs I got inspired.

 However, I was completely disappointed when we got to the gym room. There was no treadmill or any cardio equipment! How can you call yourself a gym without any cardio equipment!? Bastards. I wasn’t going to turn around and walk to the donut bar though; oh no, I was going to get a workout in damnit. We ended up taking turns on each one of the weight machines and my arms and legs got a nice workout that left me hobbling to the breakfast bar. (No, I didn’t hit up the donut bar, I got wheat toast and milk bitches!)

Crappy Crap Crap Gym.

After that we hit the road for the next stop 550 miles away in Rapid City, SD I’ll fill you in on those adventures next time!

What is your favorite Restaurant that has been closed in your town?

These are my confessions

Disclaimer: I meant to post this yesterday but I forgot. Kinda like I forgot to do the thing this blog talks about again today too. AHHHHH!

---------------------------------------------------------------

The hubs and I don't want kids.

(right now)

Hence my problem:

I am the worst birth control pill taker there is.

Surely I am not the only idiot out there that has a habit of missing one.. two... maybe even THREE days of pills every week or so. HOW do I do this to myself? I always end up taking the missed pills as soon as I realize I missed them and the same thing happens every time. I want to DIE from the worst sickly, gross, painful, bloated, cramped, shit that is happening to my tummy. I have done what the box said about take 2 at once and then 2 the next day to catch up on whatever number you missed BUT if I take 2 of those pills in the same day I get the death feelings.

I know, I know, you're thinking "stupid biatch- switch birth controls, go get the shot, shut the hell up" whatever it is its my blog and I whine if I wana.

Every month I get my visitor I let out a sigh of relief and send a little love up to the main man for sparing me once again.

We CAN wait to have children!

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

That sick feeling has kept me down today. I feel like poo and I DID NOT want to go to the gym- but I did. Go me! It wasn't a stellar workout but it was better than not going at all. I've been kinda unmotivated this week and I don't know what exactly did it to me but I'm forcing myself out of it starting Saturday. I'm getting new kicks to boost me even more and maybe even some new running pants/shorts. I did an easy 2.75 miles on the elliptical then massive amounts of arms/monkeybars/squats today. I just started the squats and DUDE it KILLS these legs - loooove that.

What new workouts are you doing that you love?

My ass hurts.

DUDE. Spinning is AMAZING!

Like I said in a previous post I wanted to try spinning and I had made up my mind to go for it when I got back from my Bachelorette weekend. Well, I forgot about it Monday and just went to do my normal running and cardio routine (which was awesome and a great first day back after a dirty dirty weekend) Anyways, once I had realized I forgot I was determined to go tonight for my FIRST time. I was a little apprehensive as to how it was going to go being that I just recently started incorporating the bike in my cardio routine but I was excited and ready to push myself.

I got to the gym about 15 mins before the class started because I wanted to meet the instructor and learn how to set up my bike for my height & weight etc. It made me feel like I was in college again and going to meet my teacher (ya know sucking up) and get a front row seat. Yes, I'm sorta a nerd. So, I walk into the room and I'm the first one there; (Perfect) I introduce myself to the older male teacher who instantly I get a cocky/hardcore vibe from. I'm thinking Awesome I'm about to get my ass kicked - which is EXACTLY what I want from an instructor. He showed me what my height should be (10), how to strap my feet into the pedals, how to turn up and down my resistance, how to get out of the foot straps (very important). This took a few mins so if you are going to your first class make sure to get there early so you can learn because now I am set for any future spin class I choose to take.

Onto the class... WOW, it started off with a warm up that then lead in to a good kind of hell. The main thing to keep is mind is NEVER STOP PEDDLING. Even if you weren't keeping up with the class just keep moving for 1 solid hour. I loved the instructor he was pushing us to do rolling hills, sprints, stand ups, back flips, and there was no pity - no remorse - there was PUSH! I really love this kind of challenge probably even more than the workout. I have always been competitive and when I am in a room of people it makes me work harder. (why didn't I start doing these classes sooner?!) In summary the class was hard but when it was over I felt AMAZING! The only complaint is the little seats - my booty is sore already and she is not a happy camper right now. I mean really, WHY can't they have a nice cushion seat? I don't think a little extra softness and wider seat would lessen the workout. Anyways, as, we were putting up our bikes the teacher came over to me and asked how I liked it to which I expressed my new found love for! He said I did amazing for my first time (ahh yayyy I LOVE getting noticed in a good way ;) and hoped that I would be back. I assured him that I will see him on Mondays and Thursdays from now on. Oh, and he blared the best music in the room LOVED IT. I can't wait for Monday to have my second go - well, if the class isn't full yet.

I only wish I could figure out how many miles we did and how many calories I burned. The instructor said I probably burned around 700 calories in 53mins and did around 14-15 miles.

 I'm pretty pleased with that.

Question for all of my awesome athletic friends:

 What kind of heart rate/mile calculator/calorie counter watch thing do you suggest?! What brand do you use? Approximate cost and your Pro's & Con's ???

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Hey Krista! To answer your question when I say "monkey bars" I mean this thing:

I say monkey bars because thats what it makes me feel like I think it's technically called a pull up station.

 I do this move (3 sets of 12 right now):

and this one (2 sets of 3):

The pitcures are not of me sadly. I refuse to take pictures of me working out right now... maybe in 50 more lbs. hahahah I move up how many I do every week... its all about starting slow and building up for me :)

Why do I feel like this!?

It's such and odd feeling to feel guilty for not working out. In the past I've often felt guilty for a number of other things: 1. eating too much, 2. being mean, 3. thinking bad thoughts, & etc. But felling guilty about not going to the gym has been a recent development. I am so tired, I didn't sleep a wink last night and my legs and body are so sore I haven't been walking, I've been "wobbling" all day. I don't need to make excuses but I feel like I do. THIS IS NUTS! I'm still going to be hitting the gym 5 times this week not 6, but for some reason I have an annoying feeling of guilt. I know in my head my body needs to rest and it is SCREAMING for rest but.... sheesh I'm addicted. I'm am completely addicted to the results I'm getting. My legs have never looked better and I just can't wait to keep the results coming...but I need to release this guilt because it's driving me nuts.

Oh well, better the gym than sex, drugs, or rock n' roll.

hmm... on second thought.

-----------------------------------

WORKOUT: 24hours of Nothing, Nada, Zip. Zilch

On a fishy note- I am now a MASTER of cooking FISH. Yes, the things that swim around in the ocean and ponds and rivers... you get the idea. The secret is Lemon Juice people! It takes all the fishy fishyness out of the actual FISH. Weird right..but deliciously true.

That little tasty fish is tilapia pan sauteed with a little olive oil.

Directions: Use fresh or thawed fish sprinkle salt on both sides with a little Tony's seasoning. Put a tablespoon or so of Olive oil in a HOT frying pan. Let the oil get hot then place fish into pan. Let cook on the first side for a few mins (2-3) then add a tablespoon of Lemon Juice in the pan. The juice will start to bubble and let the fish cook on that side for another min or two. Flip the fish and add another tablespoon of lemon juice. Let cook for 3 or 4 mins and then flip again. You can turn the heat off and let it finish cooking flipping occasionally to get your desired crispyness. Steam some broccoli and Enjoy!!! I eat this about 3-4 times a week I LOVE it.

yummy in my tummy.

I whip my hair back & forth

The following is tribute to the Fresh Princes daughter Willow Smith:

I whip my hair back and forth.



----------------------------------

WORKOUT: Easter Bonus workout - 2 miles outside running the neighborhood in 28mins (sucky suck suck I know) Let me just state that I had no intention of working out today until I was looking on facebook at some friend bikini pictures. That was all the motivation I needed to throw in an extra workout this week. I'm going to try really hard to go the next 4 days straight so I can get a 6 day workout week in. It's crunch time & I've got a date with a trainer friend tomorrow at 6pm to throw some new stuff at me. Pray for me people & my legs because they are super sore!

Blame it on the Alcohol

Jamie has the right idea and this morning I was definitely blaming it.

Last night was amazing. CK had a show at Brady's this pub thing you could say in Jackson, MS & this meant that I would be returning to my old stomping grounds and getting the chance to see all of my friends I grew up with. Some were out of town, some were just lame and didn't come, BUT a ton of them did! I love these people and nights like last night make me miss living in Jackson so much. That's were I grew up as a child and got into all my trouble as a teenager. In high school I couldn't wait to get out and do my own thing in a brand new place. So, then came college and my adult adventures began. (This in no way means I have a secrete porn career) Luckily my life hasn't come to that point where I would need to dive into the adult entertainment field. I've always had an issue with body fluids anyway..but back to my point. Going back to Jackson now means that I get to see my people and boy do I miss them everyday I'm stuck in Laurel, MS.

I blame: 2 for 1 drinks, ridiculously fun people, good music, dancing, and lack of sleep.

I blamed them the whole morning at the gym. Yes, I dragged my hungover tail to the gym to run my 3 miles. (Or so I had planned) I do not work out on Fridays, I feel that is a sin to go to the gym after a long and annoying week at work and when Friday at 5pm comes it's time to go home and unwind. I just can't mentally get into working out on a Friday and I probably never will as long as I work full time. Anyways, after taking Friday off usually on Saturdays I sleep late and head to the gym to pound out a really good session. Not today! Not saying that I sucked but it was just miserable and lack luster. Five Rum & diets (Skinnybitches) and dancing all night had my body funky and my legs sore.

Workout: 40 mins treadmill 2.84miles (22mins running 1.75 miles) & the rest of the time on 8.0 incline with various rest periods.

I had REALLY wanted to do 3 miles in 36mins but I just couldn't. My legs were so sore to begin with that after the first 12min mile I had to take a break. Weak I know, but you read above what I blamed it on. (Hopefully you're listing to it right now) I then went to tan and got even hotter and MORE dehydrated since I didn't eat or drink anything before the workout and I was feeling faint. What do I do you ask? Of course I go to Snowbiz and get a kiddie Coconut shaved ice amazingness! I also picked one up for CK since he was stuck at work (and still is 12 hours later) to take to him because I love him and has been working like crazy lately. He is a grape man and I decided he should get a Large because after all men should eat more than women right? Oh, and hes sexy sexy so it doesn't really matter what he eats. Bastard.

Here are some pictures from last night and the wonderful people I got to spend it with. Lookout Jackson: I'll be back next weekend and it's going to be funnnnnnnnn.

Carrie - Kelly - Moi - Wil

My nurses Laura & Katie (I love being friends with nurses they are great to have around to keep you alive)

My Best Haley & her man Josh that I get to kiss because well, just because I can. BOOYA!

My other other half. We will be old dog lady's together one day.

My sister & family came as well. They love CK and I couldn't love them anymore for being so supportive of us. THE BEST FAMILY EVER. (Which is hilarious because before this wedding I always thought they were just people I share my DNA with boyyy was I wrong. I should go to hell for not appreciating them sooner.) 

Chad Knight being sexy.

Go buy his music Here: Itunes , CD BABY , Amazon 

And check out his Website for all things CK Here: Chad Knight Official Website

-----------------------------

Side note - Thanks for all the new people coming to read my blog! You guys all rock and keep leaving comments so I can go and check your blogs out. Oh, and go buy some CK music - we got a wedding to pay for people, and remember when he is famous you can say you knew us. I'll totally go with it and might even invite you to come swim in our pool one day (at the mansion)

Habit tat taaat

I have finally reached my goal of going to the gym 5 times each week.

Since I got engaged I've been focused to lose weight, but along the way something else happend...

I discovered I want to be healthy and active, I want to live for a long time, and I deserve it!

They say it takes 30 days to make something a habit.

Well, 18 days down.. 12 to go before I finally have my most sought after habit:

Gym 5 times a week.

When I get home its no longer im starving for chips & cola, I now want this:

I'm a very happy girl.