Fearing Failure.

I'm pretty sure I'm not the only one that sometimes loses her mind with emotions. I'm going after a goal right now of losing weight and I wanted to talk a little about all the struggle and emotion that comes with it. I had a freak out Saturday morning when I got on the scale and it was 3lbs heavier than 2 days before. Now, if I had been eating pizza and ice cream I wouldn't have been so shocked but I went to the gym 5 times this week and ate 95% perfect. To me this should mean no weight gain but my body has other ideas. I feel like I am actually fighting my body right now to lose weight.

I've talked to a few people with various ranges of knowledge and they all agree that the first month of anything your body really is fighting you. So, I get that... I know it in my mind but that doesn't keep me from breaking down, crying, and feeling like a failure. I struggle with the feeling of failure. I feel like I am busting my ass and still failing. Will my body ever change? Can I really do this? Will I ever know what it is like to not have a belly? Then I cry... I scream... I dry heave... and I used to give up. But now in my old age I've realized that it's a process and I HAVE to push through. It's so hard. I think all the time... screw it I'm just going to eat what I want nothings going to change anyway but I'm at a point where That's just not acceptable anymore. I can't give up because this is my life, my health, and the only person that can make things change is me.

After a good 2 hours of feeling sorry for myself I went to the gym. I punished my body with as many workouts as I could stand and with Chad in tow I tried to run a mile straight after being able to almost do it the day before. This is the first time in my life after stopping running for awhile and starting back up that I got back into it so quick. On Friday body felt good and I felt strong; however, when I stepped on that treadmill and started running on Saturday everything just went wrong. I felt disgusting, I felt like I shouldn't be allowed in a gym, and I felt like the biggest failure ever. I had to stop running after 4 mins due to my side hurting and my legs cramping. I was just done. I emotionally couldn't take it and almost started crying right there in the gym. I was pouring down sweat but I slowed my pace and kept walking. I cranked up the incline and walked until CK finished his mile and when we walked to the car he asked me if I felt any better and I said, "No, I hate myself... I feel like a failure and I'm going to cry again as soon as we are in the car." I feel bad for him for having to put up with me when I get like that but I really realized Saturday how much he loves me. No matter what size I am or how much I feel that I am a failure he just listens and lets me cry it out. He made me feel even worse when he looked at me and told me how proud he was of me and how I inspire him to be better a better person and to work out harder. What a joke right? I'm sitting there crying my eyes out and I'm an inspiration!?

When we got home I got back on the scale and had lost 2 of the pounds I had gained... I knew this would happen due to all the sweat but it still doesn't matter in my mind because I just don't understand how my body can fluctuate like that. So, then I decided to take a shower and wash my bad attitude away. I told myself that this is a long road... I've got plenty of time and I am doing this right. I will not order pizza or eat brownies just because I am having a horrible day. I will work harder and eat better and one day... it will start paying off. Or at least I'll just keep trying until it does.

It really makes me sad to feel like my whole life I have been trying to lose weight. What a crappy thing to have to struggle with. I've never known what it's like to be in shape... to be able to go to any store and know they will have my size and it will look good on me. I want that so much it hurts. I want to be healthy. I want to live a long life and I want my future kids to grow up never having to worry with this issue because I'm going to teach them how to be healthy right from the start.

I had to share this with you guys to get it out of me. These emotions are suffocating at times and I just hope that maybe this helps someone. Realizing that just because I'm still struggling and working towards a goal doesn't mean I have failed. As my best friend Nicole said when I texted her crying about my running failure:

"You didn't fail, baby. If you got off your butt and tried then you didn't fail."
 

Everyone needs support and I am so thankful for the ones that support me. I love you all and you help me more than you'll ever know. If you're struggling...just keep going. I think it will get better... or at least I hope.






Exactly.

15 on Friday

1. This kind of stuff always freaks me out... I don't care what the scientific reason is:


(source)

Hundreds of Stingrays found dead on the beach in Mexico.

2. I almost got pooped on by a bird...INSIDE of my car the other day. I was sitting at a red light with my window rolled almost all the way down and my arm sitting right beside it when a bird came out of no where and pooped on my window. It was at the very top of my window and if it had been an INCH of difference it would have been all over my ARM! I was freaking out looking like around like I had been shot... and then I smelled it. OMG. I may never be able to ride with the windows down again.


3. It was Heroin.
 
(source)

4. My husband just yelled at his phone, "BUT WHAT TIME IS IT?!" I asked what in the world he was talking about and and he said that, "Rick Grimes just instagramed a new trailer comes out on July 19th and I need to know what time!" We may have a problem here.

5. We have a new member of the family this week! We are dog sitting for a friend and now poor Tyson has to put up with queen Olive for a week.

 

 

    He makes the craziest faces!!!

6. Did I tell you guys I have been eating salads everyday? This is huge in case I didn't because I just recently started liking salads. Things are really changing around these parts.

7. How many different patterns can one woman wear?

 

(Instagram)

 

 

8. This is all she does... laziest dog alive. 

 

9. Gotta love emoji messages from the husband...

 

Who knows where Tight butt hole comes from!?! Hint: It's not XXX rated.

 

10.  19 Signs you're too old for this crap.

Although, I still love a good dress up party and cupcakes.

#6 Don't even get us started on festivals

 

 

11. THIS ONE is for Paula

 

12. I don't WANT this. I NEED this...

Lies we all say to ourselves.

13. Bethenny Frankel is breaking my heart with out she is ripping up her marriage and trying to cut her daughters father out of her life... Jason was such a good guy. Stop it Bethenny I really want to keep loving you but you're making it hard.

14. Is Lamar REALLY cheating on Khole?!

15.
 

Work it out

I haven't talked about what I'm doing work out wise in a awhile so let me fill you guys in. About a month or so ago after doing a personal training session at our gym CK and I decided to start doing more strength training workouts and less elliptical running. The trainer made a really good point about how we should add muscle to burn more fat and basically it all made sense and we decided to do it.

Since then we have been waking up in the mornings and going to the gym before work. I figured if I go to the gym Monday-Friday that gives me weekends off and most importantly CK and I get to spend more time together. It's really hard waking up in the mornings but we have been doing it and I have to say we have both grown to absolutely love starting our days together. CK still gets all pissy when I tell him I'm going to bed at 9pm but he's getting over it. Not to mention working out with a partner is a lot better than going at it alone. (Except when he says, "that's not the finish line keep going" when I'm about to die from not being able to breath.) Anyways, long story short he has lost 13 lbs since we started and I have lost 6 lbs. (Men lose weight so easy. Bastards) I'm extremely happy with what has been going on in my body though and I'm starting to see my stomach get smaller... I mean nothing drastic yet but I can tell I'm adding muscle and it is encouraging me to keep working hard.

We have been doing really good in the food department too. I heard something simple awhile back and for some reason it just now started sticking in my head and it's actually working.
FACT: To lose weight you simply have to make more GOOD choices than BAD.
Do I want a donut? That is a BAD choice. Do I want a salad for lunch? Yes, that is a GOOD choice and so on and so fourth. I feel like I have to make 99 GOOD choices before I'm allowed one BAD choice. It's hard but I'm pretty focused and for almost a month now I have stuck to my guns and I'm not miserable.

I'm taking it day by day... I have A LOT of weight to lose and I'm focusing on going slow. My goal is to lose just 1 lb a week. If I lose more that's awesome but I get so discouraged when I set goals and don't meet them. I will overcome this. I will succeed. I will be healthy.

Here are some examples of the workouts we do: First off 5min warm up on the mill and at the end of our leg/arm workout we get on the treadmill to do a mile as fast as we can.

Leg Day: We start off with squats/wall sits/lunges - Then we push this across the gym  (a REALLY freaking long way) & back.

You put a weight on the ball side and grip it and then use that to bend over and push the ball across the floor:

It's horrible. It's amazing. I do this at 6AM. I almost die everyday but I'm ALMOST able to go back and forth without having to stop. I WILL do this without stopping by August. When I first did this with my personal trainer I had to stop about 7 times. Now I only stop once...on the second round I get so out of breath and my legs burn so much that I stop. I get closer and closer to the finish line every time... soon.

Then we do the weights. All of them. OR we switch it up and do a workout I find on Pinterest. Here is one we have done several times and it is NO JOKE. It is AMAZING and Jumping Jacks suck so bad but damn it they work.

Are you following me on Pinterest yet?

ARM DAY: I love arm day the most. We do the warm up first and then we do abs/arms/and weights.

We start off abs with a lot of planks and then go through a series of workouts on the mat. Here is an example of what we do:

We also do butt lift ones, different kinds of planks etc. etc. We have been really good about switching stuff up so that our bodies never know what is coming. After abs and arms we go to the weights and do all of them that the gym has to offer. We also recently starting going over to the free weights section of the gym and I have been partying with big boys doing bench presses, leg lifts, etc.

We also do Cardio days where we get on the Treadmill and get in as many miles as we can in 35-50 mins depending on how much time we have. For example this week we are did Legs Tuesday / Cardio Wednesday / Arms Thursday / Cardio Friday. We were exhausted on Monday so we slept in. Hey, sometimes your body needs rest...we are building up slowly to the 5 times a week.

That's the gist of what I've been up to lately. I'll post about workouts every once in awhile to keep you guys updated. I can't wait to watch my weight loss number grow!